Lunch With Lefty

Phil kidnapping a little girl and threatening her with a trophy.

Phil Mickelson missed Wednesday's Pro-Am because he was stuck in Little Rock, Arkansas by weather in Dallas. Did he not trust his ability to pilot his Gulfstream through stormy weather? Why worry? Who have planes killed besides JFK, Jr., Buddy Holly, former Secretary of Transportation Ron Brown, and Payne Stewart? He got in late, so instead of playing golf with his amateur partners, he took them to lunch. I wonder what they talked about? Possible topics:

• His fabulous wealth
• His amazingly hot wife
• His Gulfstream
• How he became a pilot
• Which is better: Karate or Ninjitsu? (Hint, it's ninjitsu, in which Phil is no doubt a black belt...a black so dark, light cannot escape its surface)
• Whether his man boobs are composed of subcutaneous fat or the other kind.
• How to change your sweat soaked polo on the turn in less than twenty seconds.
• Q&A! Rules: The only Qs must be about Phil and how great he is. The only As will be in the affirmative.
• Interesting facts about our meal! Did you know farm raised salmon is actually worse for the environment? Do you know how many calories are in a butter packet? Do you know how mayonnaise is made? Phil knows the answers to all these questions and many more.

I hope one of his amateur partners knew the Heimlich maneuver, because I'm sure at some point during the meal...(wait for it)...Phil CHOKED!

EDS Byron Nelson Championship player rankings

1. Vijay Singh
2. Ian Poulter
3. Luke Donald
4. Sean O'Hair
5. Anthony Kim
6. Chad Campbell
7. Stuart Appleby
8. Sergio Garcia
9. Charles Howell III
10. Jesper Parnevik
11. John Rollins
12. Carl Petterson
13. Phil Mickelson
14. Ryan Moore
15. J.J. Henry
16. Rod Pampling
17. Nick O'Hern
18. Robert Allenby
19. Jason Bohn
20. Justin Leonard
21. Brett Wetterich
22. John Senden
23. Shaun Micheel
24. Scott Verplank
25. Stephen Leaney

One week busts: Mike Weir, Peter Lonard, Billy Mayfair, Jerry Kelly, Ted Purdy

You Know Your Tournament Sucks If...

• ...Vance Veazey withdraws because he doesn't want to miss a re-run of The Shawshank Redemption scheduled for Friday on TBS.
• ...Jaco Van Zyl is skipping your tournament to attend an NBA Developmental League game.
• ...John Daly is not playing, and it's held in friggin' New Orleans, Louisiana!
• ...D.A. Points is electing not to attend because "he has better things to do."
• ...S.S.P. Chowrasia would "rather eat sacred, holy beef" than attend your tournament.
• ...Arjun Atwal wouldn't attend even if he was sixty miles away in a BMW M5 and thirty minutes late for his tee time.
• ...Calcavacchia is playing, but plans on being drunk on Yukon Jack the hole time and promises to use his driver on every shot.
• ...Tim Herron is skipping the event despite the complimentary mashed potato martini bar.
• ...Chris Couch is your defending champion.
• ...your trophy is a comic strip caveman.
• ...it is held opposite the 84 Lumber Classic.
• ...Fred Couples had a ninja hit his back with nun-chuks "just to make sure" it was in too bad a shape to play.
• ...Chris DiMarco withdraws despite a guarantee that he'll finish second.
• ...Camilo Villegas isn't playing despite your offer of all the hookers and blow he could handle.
• ...Paul Azinger said he'd rather get cancer again than play in it.
• ...Brian Gay thinks your tournament is kind of gay.
• ...Shingo Katayama is skipping the event even though you said you'd find a Japanese schoolgirl to kick him in the nuts and vomit on him every night.
• ...The Golf Channel decides to cover that week's Nationwide event instead.
  

Zurich Classic Player Rankings

Looking at the field for this week's Zurich Classic of New Orleans, it's tough to come up with a top-25 list. When David Toms, the 19th-ranked player in the world headlines the field, you know your tournament is in trouble.

1. Sean O'Hair
2. Nathan Green
3. Steve Stricker
4. David Toms
5. Kevin Sutherland
6. Lucas Glover
7. Fred Funk
8. Charley Hoffman
9. Stephen Leaney
10. Will Mackenzie
11. Shaun Micheel
12. Bo Van Pelt
13. Nick Watney
14. Anthony Kim
15. Charles Warren
16. Mark Calcavecchia
17. Steve Flesch
18. Kenny Perry
19. Joe Ogilvie
20. Daniel Chopra
21. Daisuke Maruyama
22. Bob Estes
23. Bubba Watson
24. Brandt Snedeker
25. Jesper Parnevik

One week busts: Shigeki Maruyama, Joe Durant, Jeff Maggert, Boo Weekley, Chris DiMarco

The Commish probably has lost some credibility (whatever little I had left) after leaving Zach Johnson on my bench last week and ranking Robert Allenby second overall in last week's player rankings. However, the season is still early and I have time to redeem myself. Here are the player rankings for this week's Verizon Heritage:

1. Davis Love III
2. Jim Furyk
3. Stewart Cink
4. Aaron Baddeley
5. Lucas Glover
6. Geoff Ogilvy
7. Vaughn Taylor
8. Ernie Els
9. Trevor Immelman
10. Justin Rose
11. Peter Lonard
12. Charles Warren
13. Nick O'Hern
14. Nathan Green
15. Zach Johnson
16. Chris DiMarco
17. Stephen Ames
18. Rich Beem
19. Brian Gay
20. Jeff Maggert
21. Dean Wilson
22. Tim Clark
23. Bo Van Pelt
24. Mark Calcavecchia
25. Anthony Kim

One week busts: Chad Campbell, John Daly, Camilo Villegas, Brett Wetterich, Sean O'Hair

Joaquin Phoenix Wins Masters! (Commish's Picks Revisited)

Get this guy some Propecia.

Mitch Cumsteins: Commish said - #1, Actual finish - #4
Problem: The Cumsteins' favorites, CHIII and Adam Scott, played pretty dismally. Friday was a bad day for all the Cumsteins, as his dainty, frail, effete, Euro-trash mama's boys proved they can't handle bad weather. CH3 was actually blown off the tee box on three by a stiff breeze. Wetterich, the Cumsteins' Zach Johnson, looked to make a mockery of the owner's management capabilities, but thankfully tanked on the weekend. He started his best guys, they just didn't get it done.

Single and Hammered: Commish said #2, Actual Finish - #3
Pretty accurate pick here. Woods and Appleby together made Toby look like the favorite going into Sunday. Too bad Olazabal and Weir, with three green jackets between them looked like they were having a "who can count higher" contest on the weekend.

Smoke Porterhouse: Commish said #3, Actual Finish - #7
Problem: Ogilvy. This guy was two blowup holes away from finishing +4, as it was, he ended up +11. Anyone who saw his 9 on Sunday missed something truly awful and awesome. Take 7 strokes off Joe's score, and he drops to... 75.35. Okay, so maybe Ogilvy wasn't the only problem. David Howell and DL3 started strong and went downhhill from there. Never bet on a guy who wears Oakley blades or a guy who is "the third." This also applies to Henrik Stenson and CHIII, (see above).

CESS: Commish said #4, Actual Finish #1
Problem: None. Rose and Goosen really lifted Clif here. They both played lights out all weekend. Goosen played probably the best round of the tournament on Saturday considering the conditions. Pampling was reliable if not remarkable, and Phil didn't have any egregious scores even if his effort was less than hoped for. This is a very dangerous lineup for the rest of this year as the Commish noted.

Varmint Cong: Commish said #5, Actual Finish #8
Problem: Many. As the Commish said, this team was under the radar. Problem was it stayed there. Ernie Else missing the cut really hurt the VC, but Badds' 80 on Sunday was like Operation Linbacker II, causing heavy casualties to the VC all along the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

Stewie's Revenge: Commish said #8, Actual Finish #2
This was the dark horse team this week by far. He lost his worst player to the cut (Campbell) in a perfect example of stopping the bleeding. Harrington played great golf each round after Thursday's opening 77, and Toms and Vijay both held their own on Sunday, to lift the team to a solid second place finish. The Commish noted that these guys are inconsistent and capable of finishing first or last. He just guessed wrong. Congratulations, StewRev.

Sandbaggin' S.O.B.s: Picked #7, finished #8
The Commish had this about right. Whether his team is "built" more for the U.S. Open is questionable, as this Masters played like a U.S. Open, but the Sonsabitches weren't helped by Aaron Oberholser's Scientology EMP backpack malfunctioning, causing him to blow up with an 84 on Saturday. That sealed his fate. As was noted, he would've been #4 had he started ZJ instead.

Thhhhhhhhhhhhsundah!: Picked #6, Actual Finish: #5
Pretty accurate pick here, so not much to say, except this team looked like it was going to run away with it after Friday, with Clark and Donald playing well. Immelman did some damage to this team on Saturday and Verplank's mediocre performance didn't do him any favors. Just didn't get it done.

If you haven't done so, please check out the Michelle Wie video at the bottom of the page. It's truly awesome. I think one of the guys cheering her on actually says, "Thhhhhhhhhsundah!" when she hits the gong.

Masters FGA Predictions

Commish's picks:

1. Justin - If Howell III doesn't choke from all of the pressure, this team should win. Scott and Stenson perfect for Augusta.
2. Toby - As he said, three former champions on his team. But this team will only win the DiMarco award (second place).
3. Joe - Great Masters lineup. Ogilvy and Allenby ready to win here.
4. Clif - Will be a dangerous team in every major with this lineup. Even Pampling plays well here.
5. Jake - Under the radar team could easily surprise this week. All starters playing well now.
6. Jason - Donald, Clark, Verplank... shorter hitters could struggle here.
7. Doug - This team will win a major this year, just not the Masters. Built more for the US Open or PGA.
8. Evan - Inconsistent starters capable of finishing first or last. I'm going with last place this week on a hunch.

Masters Player Rankings

Welcome to a new blog feature! Each week (time permitting), I will post my player rankings for the upcoming PGA Tour tournament. Most websites only give you five favorites (and invariably, you always get Tiger, Phil, Vijay, etc.), which does little to help you set your lineups. I will post my top-25 players for each week in order and five potential busts to watch out for. Here it is, my Masters rankings:

1. Tiger Woods
2. Robert Allenby
3. Adam Scott
4. Phil Mickelson
5. Vijay Singh
6. Henrik Stenson
7. Ernie Els
8. Geoff Ogilvy
9. Trevor Immelman
10. Chris DiMarco
11. KJ Choi
12. Luke Donald
13. Charles Howell III
14. Jose Maria Olazabal
15. Stewart Cink
16. Padraig Harrington
17. Sergio Garcia
18. Rod Pampling
19. Aaron Baddeley
20. Shaun Micheel
21. Mike Weir
22. Ian Poulter
23. Retief Goosen
24. Arron Oberholser
25. Nick O'Hern

One week busts: Jim Furyk, David Toms, Chad Campbell, Lucas Glover, Tim Clark

Commissioner's Preseason Rankings

Despite all of the distractions at the Hotel Del Coronado (i.e., beach, sunset, margaritas), I think everyone had a really good draft. I can't wait to see how this season plays out because I think there is a lot of parity. It seems every year that one team runs away with the money list title, but I think this could be the first year where several teams are in contention until the very end.
That being said, the annual Commissioner's Preseason Rankings are below. Keep in mind that last season I predicted Joe to finish first and Jake to finish last. So what happened? Of course, Jake wins easily and Joe captures DFL.

Commissioner's 2007 Preseason Rankings:

1. Clif - The kiss of death from the Commish. Still stunned from his FFL Championship game loss, he turns in the best draft. Strong in the majors with Mickelson and Goosen, and solid through the middle rounds with Pampling, Rose and Taylor.
2. Evan - A very good top-4 if Singh continues his current form, but Campbell is always a wild card. A couple of late round selections will probably be dropped in the first month and additions could determine whether he has a good or great season.
3. Doug - Potentially very good top-3 and solid mid-round selections. Question marks include whether Furyk plays as well as last year and DiMarco returning from a disappointing 2006
4. Justin - Several questions for this team, but should be good enough to contend. Can Scott live up to #1 overall status? Howell III has been best player of 2007 so far, but will it last? How will Stenson do in first full season in the US?
5. Jason - Will be a very good team. Lacking only a true #1, but turns in great draft from top to versatile bottom. Immelman will be this year's Ogilvy and may have found sleepers in Moore, Matteson and Kim.
6. Jake - Defending champion puts together solid squad. Top-4 look good, but downgraded because of a few questionable mid-round picks. Masterful in add/drop last year and may need to be again.
7. Joe - Last year's cellar dweller looks to rebound. Ogilvy should continue to play as well as other top picks, and Allenby and Love III round out a very good top-3. I'll be surprised if Perry has anything left to contribute, and rolled the dice with several Euros.
8. Toby - Shocked to see Woods still on the board at #3, might have thrown off his draft strategy. Reached for Appleby at #2 and Green at #3, but made several good late round picks.