The Slowly Creeping Deadly Choking Fog

Jealous?

Well, Tiger is staking his claim in the nation's capital, (a.k.a. The DC/NOVA/SOMA Metrogasm). His charity, the eponymous Tiger Woods Foundation, is set to become the title sponsor and beneficiary of a new D.C-area tournament to be held in the Independence Day slot vacated by the now-defunct International. It is expected that Tiger will play the new tournament annually, although this year things are complicated by the birth of his human/Norse God hybrid offspring this summer. So, Tiger skips the International and it dies. Tiger announces he will play in a tournament in the Washington area and a new tournament is created overnight to replace the recently deceased Booz Allen.

Is this all just a precursor to the rumored Tiger Tour? Time will tell. After reading the article, my question is what does the Tiger Woods Foundation do exactly? If I had to guess it tutors children in the following areas of TW's expertise:

1) Excellence
2) Ultimacy
3) Worldwide domination
4) Global brand creation and enhancement
5) Golf
6) Norse Mythology, (in particular, study of the Norse Goddess Freyja)
7) Mind-boggling wealth
8) Super Yachts
9) Ass kicking
10) Name taking

Tiger Tour?

Tiger and a child molester.

Apparently rumors are circulating that Tiger Woods might leave the PGA Tour, and essentially play as a free agent on what would become the "Tiger Tour." The argument, as near as I can figure, goes that between all his sponsor's and past champion's exemptions, Tiger could continue to play in 14 events a year, including all four Majors, without being a member of the PGA Tour. He could then collect $$ from sponsors directly to woo him to any tournament he wants to play in. Essentially getting appearance fees to play in PGA Tour and Major events as he does now for tournaments in, say, Dubai or Russia. Does anyone think this could/would happen?? Comment below! (No need to register)

Here is an interesting article on why it won't happen. Strangely, it relies less on direct financial reasons and more on a general "feel" for Tiger's respect for the history of the game and the Tour....Is that enough? Bolstering this nay-saying view is the news that T.V. ratings are up for non-Tiger events this season.

On the other hand, here is an interesting bit on Tiger holding PGA Tour events hostage. This lends credence to the view that Tiger has enough sway to pull off this coup.

And, here is a nice ditty on Tiger's "streak" and its place in golf history.

Oh, and here's a projected draft board that bears no resemblance to what I really think will happen:

1) Tiger Woods
2) Vijay Singh
3) Phil Mickelson
4) Adam Scott
5) Geoff Ogilvy
6) Jim Furyk
7) Trevor Immelman
8) Henrik Stenson
9) Luke Donald
10) Sergio Garcia
11) Charles Howell III

Here's Sergio scamming on Henrik Stenson's girlfriend and some random Spanish lass.

White Hot Match Play Action

Nerd.

Well, Match Play is all but over, and I won't dwell on the results, except to point out some stellar performers that we should all keep on our mind on as draft day approaches:

Baddeley, Rose, Howell III, Casey, Poulter, Campbell, Ames, Cink and Micheel all performed very well, and have played well to date this year. Some of them may play more than others, but an important FGA factor to remember is that last season's inconsistent rookie (Baddeley) could turn into this season's breakout star (Baddeley). Players improve and players fade away. So, as they say in the investment world, past returns are no guarantee of future results.

Here is a very interesting feature on Justin Rose, who is calling his shot--Babe Ruth style--by predicting a breakout year for himself on the PGA Tour. He talks about the differences between the PGA and the European Tour. Mainly, he says that the global nature of the Euro tour means that the guys mostly travel solo, yet as a group from event to event around this crazy rock we call Earth, and in this manner build "camaraderie." Translation: "We get hammered, do blow, and bang Thai hookers together." The wholesome Americans, on the other hand, travel with their snobby families and spoiled kids because it's easier to do that with so little long hails across ten time zones... (You don't fly from South Africa to China on the U.S. Tour. Often, you drive from Orlando to St. Petersburg.) I don't know what camaraderie is, but apparently it enable you to beat Uncle Sam's ass in the Ryder Cup. Bastards.

So, Match Play has ended. Let us give a toast...
Here's to Match Play: The furtive and futile bout of hot foreplay that is interrupted by a six week trip to the bathroom before the five month 'Color Me Badd'-accompanied, white hot lovin' that is the FGA season.

An interesting theory on why there are so few closers on Tour now.

Best of luck, everyone, and here's to Marisa Miller--Not Un-Hot Since 1977.

Is it better to know less?

When it comes to Match Play, we'll find out if it's better to make picks based on hours of research or knowing almost nothing at all. Here is a summary of how Robin (after splitting a pitcher of sangria with me) made her first round Match Play picks:

Woods over Henry - "Woods, duh."
Allenby over Clark, O'Hern over Glover, Howell over Sabbatini, Stenson over Johnson, and Donald over Jimenez - "Because they are ranked higher." (This followed a painful ten minute discussion over seeding, which I think she still doesn't understand).
Baddeley over Katayama and Pettersson over Choi - "Asians can't play golf."

Mickelson over Green - "Phil!!!" (ASU ties)
Campbell over Rose - "Is Campbell the funny looking New Zealand guy who smiles a lot? (giggling) I like him."
Clarke over Garcia - "People don't play golf in Spain."
Howell III over Appleby - "Howell III reminds me of Gilligan's Island."
Dredge over Els - "People play golf in Wales more than in South Africa.'
Poulter over Bryant - "Poulter is like poultry, so I'm picking him."
Bjorn over Immelman - "Bjorn, because it sounds like the singer girl who wore the bird suit."
DiMarco over Wetterich - "Because it's 6 versus 11."

Furyk over Quigley - "How do you pronounce that? (Me: "Furyk") Furyk, since I've heard of him."
Campbell over Cabrera - "Because he's the underdog and from the US."
Love III over Crane - "I like Love, it makes me smile."
Oberholser over Toms - "Oberholser, because it's funny."
Singh over Rollins - "I guess they play golf in Fiji, because they have lots of resorts."
Karlsson over Ames - "Who plays golf more, Swedes or Canadians? It's too cold to play golf in Canada and I've never heard of any golf courses in Canada."
Harrington over Westwood - "Got to go for the Irish guy."
Cink over Singh - "(Laughing) His last name is Cink. Done."

Scott over Micheel - "Because he's ranked #1."
Pampling over Yang - "Koreans don't play golf."
Casey over Weir - "Canadian versus English? English."
Monty over Edfors - "Is this a Scottish guy? He's got to be in there."
Verplank over Goosen - "Verplank! It sounds like if you dropped a remote off the couch. We'll go with Verplank because it's funny."
Durant over Fasth - "US."
Ogilvy over Stricker - "Ogilvy because it's a hair care product from the '80's."
Goydos over Olazabal - "His name is Maria? Pansy."

The Golden Bear

Here's a good interview with Jack Nicklaus from Golf Digest, where he talks a little smack, saying there aren't as many closers on tour as when he played. He points out how so many guys falter down the stretch. Interesting, especially considering the interview was done before Phil lost it again on the stretch at Riviera.

Here's a bit about Match Play being upset heaven. There are a lot of upsets here, of course, but the problem is that it's hard to pick them. You want to pick J.J. Henry to beat Tiger every time, but it seems like you pick a few upsets, like Paul Goydos going to the semifinals, and then Vijay wins the thing. That's why it's hard. That's why it's golf. That's why it's the FGA. If you don't like it...

GO PLAY INTRAMURALS, BROTHER! IT'S DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL! IT'S THE BIG TWEEALVE!

(Warning, loud volume. Funny! No bad language, though.)

What a Wild and Woolly Weekend

Well, it was a wild wild weekend in the world of golf. I was on a bender over the weekend that by Sudnay left me without a voice or the emotional fortitude to even leave my apartment. So, it was all I could do to watch golf on my couch, under a blanket and afraid of the future . From this I learned that I am officially too old to go out until 2 AM two nights in a row, and that my couch is eight inches short than me, which sucks generaly, but which really starts to suck after six hours.

While I lounged on the leather-bound Oriental torture device that is my sofa, I got to see most of a great round at the Nissan Open, including a three-hole playoff between FIGJAM and Chucky Three Sticks that was a lot like my golf game--it involved hitting off a cartpath, into a tree, and
a choke job. CH3 (not to be confused with CB4), pulled out his second career victory. The interesting thing is, Mickelson and Chip Howell could very well meet again this week at the Accenture Match Play Championship. Lefty will have to beat Richard Green and the winner of Michael Campbell v. Justin Rose while Chipper has to beat Stuart Appleby and either Sergio Garcia or Darren Clarke. Howell probably has a much tougher road to hoe, but he's playing about the best golf of his career right now, so we'll wait with bated breath.

On another, better, note, here's Marissa Miller and Sarah Spain at the SI Swimsuit party in Vegas this weekend at the Great American Vice-Off that was the NBA All-Star game in Las Vegas this weekend.

Chow Down

At the "Enjoy Jakarta!" Indonesian Open, S.S.P. Chowrasia is tied for 6th after the first round. Play was postponed for rain and high wind (read typhoon!) and a man-eating tiger attack on the eighth hole.

Finally, I get a good picture of S.S.P. What does it stand for? Possibly:


Samuel Steve Paulson
Singh Singh Peter
Stop Serving Pickles
Super Super Pakistani
Sean Steve Prahmaddhammabad

(chowr)ASIAN Tour

S.S.P. Chowrasia will be in full effect at this week's Indonesian Open in Jakarta. Did you know that:

• Danny Chia in the 2006 event made an albatross on the first hole, his tenth, in round one, holing his second shot on the par five, with a five iron. His albatross was one of six on the 2006 European Tour, which set a new record for most albatrosses in a single season.

For those of you who thought the Asian Tour was a big deal, the current money leader has won $73,000. I wonder if guys on the Asian Tour are wishing they went to law school...I doubt it.

China has agreed to standardize it's local golf rules to conform with those of the R&A, which governs the sport worldwide...EXCEPT IN THE USA AND MEXICO!! Here stateside, the USGA runs the show. Get used to it, world. See you at the President's Cup.

Here is a very solid draft guide that compiles some crucial FGA stats, including: events played, cuts made, average score, etc.

Finally, here's a lame article about Natalie Gulbis. If you want the gist of it, here it is, "SHE'S HOT AND GOOD AT GOLF."

In case you wanted a picture of Rachel McAdams topless, here are one and one more. (NSFW). The second one is not bad, and I'm pretty sure it's really her.

The World According to Golf, Nissan Open and Accenture News, and the New FGA Sweetheart!

Datsun 280Z - Official Datsun of the Nissan Open

Tiger has elected to skip the Nissan Open, but he will be lonely in doing so as the tournament has eight of the world's top ten golfers in the field. Set your TiVOs to the golf channel. Mickelson will join world number two Furyk, third-ranked Adam Scott, Ernie Els (four), Retief Goosen (five), Vijay Singh (seven), Luke Donald (eight) and Padraig Harrington (nine) at Riviera for the Feb. 15-18 event.

Here find a projected bracket for the Accenture Match Play Championship. Note that Aaron Oberholser's bad back is shaking everything up. Best to move Aaron from "Who?" to "Don't Draft!" in your golf consciousness.

If you don't want to click, here you go:

(1) Tiger Woods v (64) Brett Quigley or JJ Henry; (32) Tim Clark v (33) Robert Allenby; (16) Nick O'Hern v (49) Lucas Glover or Ben Crane; (17) David Howell v (48) Rory Sabbatini or Lucas Glover; (8) Luke Donald v (57) Miguel Angel Jimenez or John Rollins; (25) Shingo Katayama v (40) Aaron Baddeley; (9) Henrik Stenson v (56) Zach Johnson or Miguel Angel Jimenez; (24) KJ Choi v (41) Carl Pettersson

(4) Phil Mickelson v (61) Bradley Dredge or Richard Green; (29) Michael Campbell v (36) Justin Rose; (13) Sergio Garcia v (52) Darren Clarke or Thomas Bjorn; (20) Stuart Appleby v (45) Charles Howell; (5) Ernie Els v (60) Charl Schwartzel or Bradley Dredge; (28) Ian Poulter v (37) Bart Bryant; (12) Trevor Immelman v (53) Thomas Bjorn or Steve Stricker; (21) Chris DiMarco v (44) Brett Wetterich

(2) Jim Furyk v (63) Shaun Micheel or Brett Quigley; (31) Angel Cabrera v (34) Chad Campbell; (15) Davis Love v (50) Ben Crane or Mike Weir; (18) David Toms v (47) Arron Oberholser or Rory Sabbatini; (7) Vijay Singh v (58) John Rollins or Scott Verplank; (26) Robert Karlsson v (39) Stephen Ames; (10) Padraig Harrington v (55) Lee Westwood or Zach Johnson; (23) Stewart Cink v (42) Jeev Milkha Singh

(3) Adam Scott v (62) Richard Green or Shaun Micheel; (30) Yang Yong-eun v (35) Rod Pampling; (14) Paul Casey v (51) Mike Weir or Darren Clarke; (19) Colin Montgomerie v (46) Johan Edfors; (6) Retief Goosen v (59) Scott Verplank or Charl Schwartzel; (27) Joe Durant v (38) Niclas Fasth; (11) Geoff Ogilvy v (54) Steve Stricker or Lee Westwood; (22) Jose Maria Olazabal v (43) Paul Goydos

Check out www.waggleroom.com for a nice bit about The Wop Genius's impressive 31 Top-10 finishes without a victory. This is like dating a new girl every week, but never getting laid...but enough about my love life.

Things are winding down for Fred Couples who withdrew from the Pro-Am at Pebble Beach with an unspecified injury. My money is on his back, which holds up about as well over time as this.

Finally, just when you thought it couldn't get hotter, more of the FGA's new favorite, Rachel McAdams:

Message from the Commish

Once again this year, the FGA will be determining draft order for the FGA season by the Match Play Championship. The Match Play Championship is next week! That means one week from today I will be sending out the Match Play tournament bracket for each of you to complete. Email back to me your completed bracket, then watch as the top seeds and your hopes for a top draft pick crumble like Michelle Wie's wrist (the preceding does not apply to Toby, as I already have him penciled in for a top-3 pick). I will send more information later this week. Let me know if you have any questions.

Just a Tadd

In case you thought I forgot about him, I'm still on the nascent career of Tadd Fujikawa. In case you were wondering, he won the Pearl Open this week...whatever that is. He also wobbles, but he won't fall down.

B-B-B-Birdie! (or... Take Out the Trash B-B-B-Boy or I'll B-B-B-Beat You With a Toaster!)

The AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am was started by famous crooner Bing Crosby in 1937. Bing was alleged by his son, Gary, to have been an abusive father. Bing's other son, Phillip, vigorously disputes this claim, saying his brother made the allegations out of greed in order to sell his book, Going My Own Way. I don't know what the truth is. What I know is that I was spanked with: rulers, wooden spoons and, on one occasion, a 2-1/2 foot architectural T-square. I deserved it, but such action would bring CPS on the scene quicker than news of a pool party at Tommy Lee's place would today. I grew up in the late-'70s and early-'80s, so I can only imagine that in the '50s and early '60s, the surgeon general was probably advising the nation to brand their children with forks heated on gas stoves for spilling their milk. (A treatment also known as Hell Night at the Phi Delt house...) I don't judge Bing in either case, because what I know of him (thanks to Wikipedia) is that the guy was a golf afficionado. How much of a golf-thingy was he, smart guy? you ask? Well, check this out:

"Shortly after 6:00 p.m. on October 14, 1977, Bing Crosby died instantly when he suffered a massive heart attack after a round of eighteen holes of golf in Madrid, Spain. He was 74 years old. His last words were reported as, "That was a great game of golf, fellas." However, according to his companions and recorded by biographer Gary Giddens, Crosby then said, "Let's go get a Coke.""

Let me say this: Whether his last words were "That was a great game of golf, fellas," or "Let's go get a Coke," or "Let's go get some coke," if you told me I could die after 18 holes of golf in Madrid, but had to go tomorrow, I would take the deal like 5-for-$5.55 at Arby's.

And let's not forget Bing's love of soft drugs. Again, from Wikipedia:

"Crosby reportedly overindulged in alcohol in his youth, and may have been dismissed from Paul Whiteman's orchestra because of it. He later got a handle on his drinking, but his first wife Dixie Lee was an alcoholic. A 2001 biography of Crosby by Village Voice jazz critic Gary Giddins says that Louis Armstrong's influence on Bing "extended to his love of marijuana." Bing smoked it during his early career when it was legal and "surprised interviewers" in the 1960s and 70s by advocating its decriminalization, as did Armstrong. According to Giddins, Bing told his son Gary to stay away from alcohol ("It killed your mother") and suggested he smoke pot instead. Gary said, "There were other times when marijuana was mentioned and he'd get a smile on his face." Gary thought his father's pot smoking had influenced his easy-going style in his films. Crosby also smoked two packs of cigarettes a day until his second wife made him stop. He finally quit smoking his pipe and cigars following lung surgery in 1974.

Nice. This guy needs to become, and pending approval of the Commish shall hereafter be known as, The Honorary Commissioner Emeritus of the FGA.

Turning now to his tournament, FIGJAM won this year's Pebble Beach Pro-Am with a vicious late round charge. In short, he ran away with the fucker. Let there be no doubt about it--the guy is good. According to the afore-linked article, Phil took 3 months off golf after the U.S. Open. To the rest of us, this is known as "winter" but to Phil it's a sabbatical. I think this explains his slow start this year, and may contibute to this being a strong year for him. Here's the leaderboard:

1	Phil Mickelson	-20	F	$990,000	65	67	70	66	268
2	Kevin Sutherland	-15	F	$594,000	72	63	67	71	273
3	John Mallinger	-14	F	$374,000	65	70	68	71	274
T4	Greg Owen	-12	F	$242,000	68	70	71	67	276
T4	Davis Love III	-12	F	$242,000	70	67	70	69	276
T6	Matt Kuchar	-11	F	$184,250	72	69	70	66	277
T6	Jim Furyk	-11	F	$184,250	67	65	76	69	277
T6	Corey Pavin	-11	F	$184,250	68	72	67	70	277
T9	Ryan Armour	-10	F	$154,000	68	71	72	67	278
T9	Ted Purdy	-10	F	$154,000	73	70	68	67	278
T11	Camilo Villegas	-9	F	$116,600	73	70	69	67	279

Question: Phil will likely play more tournaments than Tiger this year, especially considering that Tiger's half-human, half-Norse deity child is to be born in June. Given this, and his "New Phil" golf attitude, which will likely be accentuated by his Mama Cass-like choke at the U.S Open, is Phil the first pick this year over Tiger in the FGA Draft.?

Think about it. That's all I'm saying. Also, think about a blonde Rachael McAdams...

Wie Injures Wrist...So Do I

Michelle Wie has broken her wrist, and will be sidelined for at least a month.

Book Your Tickets Now

As Alan Shipnuck [D.A.] points out, the FBR open will be in Phoenix next year the same week as the Super Bowl. The question is, at today's prices, how can you afford NOT to go? And if this selection of the gallery from this year's tournament is any indication, I will be there. And I will still, somehow, be 29 to anyone who asks...


CNN notes that John Rollins has put in some work in the off-season. Might be worth a late pick?

"Although firmly established as a two-time winner in six PGA Tour seasons, John Rollins wanted more after last season. He analyzed the techniques and practice routines of top players. He hooked up with Vijay Singh's trainer, hired David Rawls as his new caddie, consulted with his swing instructor and mental coach. Then he went to the Mercedes-Benz Championship and put all those new ingredients into play. Five weeks later, he's enjoying his status as FedEx Cup leader."

Chowrasia Chokes

WGDAP?'s favorite Asian Tour superstar, S.S.P. Chowrasia, is not taming the cobra today, as he is +5 after 13 holes at the Malaysian Open, which due to the time zone differential is taking place in March 2008, and is already on the Sunday round.

I know Asian mores and taboos are different, but this story from the PGA European Tour's website is a little strange:

"Teenage Thai leads as storms hits Maybank Malaysian Open"

If there's one thing I think of when I hear the term "Teenage Thai," it mediocre golf. Btw, the leader's name? Chinarat Phadungsil, of course. Campbell, Clarke and Bjorn are above the cut line, but not playing great. Play has been interrupted by lightning...and man-eating tigers.

Did you know...

• Thongchai Jaidee, winner in 2004 and 2005 will be aiming for his third win in the event. Should he succeed, the Thai player would be only the second player in European Tour history to win the same event for their first three European Tour titles, following Tom Watson (1975, 77, 80 Open Championship).
• The Maybank Malaysian Open became part of The European Tour International Schedule in 1999 and was the first co-sanctioned event between The European Tour and Asian Tour, played at the Saujana Golf and Country Club, won by American Gerry Norquist. To date this will be the 38th official tournament hosted between the two Tours.

Speaking of Asian...

Live from Pebble Beach

Well, not live...and not from actually, but this post is about the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am. Top five are:

1. John Mallinger - Has played seven events and made three cuts in his life. Has earned about $40,000 on the Tour since 2002. He will choke.
   
2. Nick Watney - On the Tour since 2002, Watney has ten top-10 finished in his career and has earned a cool $2.1 mil in his career.
   
3. Phil Mickelson - Has really been in the dregs since the U.S. Open "incident" last season. He's been dismal this year, finishing T-45, T-51 and cut in three tourneys this season until now. It looks like he's found his stroke. It will be interesting to see how his play develops over this tournament and until the Masters for FIGJAM. A little trivia about Phil-he's left handed.
   
4. Arjun Atwal - He's from India. I wonder if he know S.S.P. Chowrasia??
   
5. Jason Schultz - Has been on the Tour only sporadically since 1996. His highest finish was T-24 at the now-defunct B.C. Open last year (doesn't count) and 26th at the Zurich in New Orleans last year (barely counts). Seriously, this guy's not good.

Also playing well are Easy On the Listerine and the currently-hot Aaron Baddeley. Notably sucking balls is Fred Couples who withdrew, probably because his back fell out of his ass.

Interesting blog of the events on the course today. Apparently Chris O'Donnell has a hell of a golf swing, and a giant tree fell over unexpectedly, scattering the gallery, but injuring no one. Not even George Lopez, although if it had the world would be funnier.

If I had to guess, and I don't because I read it, Bill Murray was a codescending jerk to anyone he perceived not to be a celebrity and was no doubt "on" throughout the tournament, playing overly comedic schtick anytime a camera was on him, or any was looking at him, at all, ever. Dude, we get it, you're a comedic genius and a great actor!

Asian Tour Update - A.k.a., Who's Got S.S.P. Chowrasia?

Maybank Malaysian Open
Saujana Golf & Country Club, Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia
Feb 8 - 11 | $1,290,000 ROUND 1 LEADERBOARD

1.	Robert ROCK (ENG)	-6	(66)*
2.	S.S.P. CHOWRASIA (IND)	-5	(67)
3.	Kane WEBBER (AUS)	-4	(68)*
3.	Edward LOAR (USA)	-4	(68)*
3.	Rafael ECHENIQUE (ARG)	-4	(68)

Where are you going to get this kind of Asian Tour coverage? Nowhere, that's where.

This is an actual headline from the official Asian Tour website:

"ROCK-STEADY ROBERT TAMES THE COBRA TO LEAD IN MALAYSIA"

Just awesome.

Scooped!, and S.S.P. Chowrasia News...

Damn! I just got scooped by the Commish on the immediacy of the International's assumption of its status as "The Tournament That Will One Day be Remembered Thusly": "Son, there was a tournament when I was young where the winner would have a score of +28! Want to know why?"

Then my future son, (named S.S.P. Chowrasia Cumstein), and I would sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk about the wonders of the modified-stableford scoring system that by then will be remembered like Esperanto, a quaint effort to introduce rationality into an irrational world.

Above is the only picture I could find of S.S.P. Chowrasia... He's on the right.

More News on The International

We can forget about a mid-season FGA trip to Colorado to check out our teams in action. The International is cancelled effective immediately. The PGA Tour is already looking for a replacement and is apparently considering venues in Washington, D.C., Minneapolis, Kansas City and Philadelphia. Poor Dean Wilson, who probably just lost the only chance he will ever have to defend his title.

R.I.P. Stableford Scoring

The International tournament in Denver will be coming to an end after this season. Too bad. It was a fun tournament to watch on T.V., great scenery, etc. Also it was the only tournament that used the modified Stableford scoring system. This encouraged daring shots and resulted in many a birdie-fest. One of my earliest memories of golf was me asking my dad why the scores for this tournament were so high when I saw the leaderboard on T.V. when I was about nine. He didn't know... what an idiot.

The tournament just couldn't find a sponsor willing to pony up the $7-9 million it would take. This is the same reason I decided not to buy 7-9 million items off the Wendy's Dollar Menu.

Calling All Sepoys!

The Royal Holy Imperial Union of Golfing and Worldwide Economic and Social Subjugation, also known as the PGA European Tour, begins it swing through steaming, overcrowded, environmentally degraded, dangerous, smelly, cilantro-flavored Southeast Asia this week at the Maybank Malaysian Open. The event is held this year at the Saujana Golf and Country Club in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. The course is just down the road from the hundreds of acres of tin and cardboard shack slums housing (barely) tens of thousands of poor, exploited Malays. Meanwhile, visiting Eurotrash will be feasting on roasted leopard and drinking the finest liquors from the House of Hennessey to celebrate their success.

This is a pretty thin field. Notables include Lee Westwood, Michael Campbell, Darren Clarke, Graeme MacDowell and Thomas Bjorn. However, these guys with funny names will also be playing:

• Thaworn Wiratchant
• Guarev Ghai
• Chawalit Plaphol
• Prom Meesawat
• Thammanoon Srirot
• S.S.P. Chowrasia (This is not a joke. Not only is his first name THREE initials, [the Commish and I have a penchant for initialed golfers, e.g., D.A. Points, K.J. Choi, J.B. Holmes], but his last name sounds like a continent. I, for one, would love to visit Chowrasia.)
• Periasamy Gunasagaran
• Frederick Anderssen Hed
• Francois Delamontagne
• Mohd Amli Mohd Mohiyaden

So load up your Gin and Tonics, be sure to go heavy on the tonic as the quinine wards off malaria, and get ready for some great Euro action this week.

Seaside C-Listers, C-Cups

The AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am is upon us. Here is the official list of "celebrities" scheduled to play:

Harris Barton	Mischa Barton's dad
Chris Berman	Sportscaster and noted philanderer
Michael Bolton	Shitty singer
Tom Brady	Giselle Bundchen's new boy toy and sonofabitch for it
Joe Buck	Sportscaster riding on dad's coattails
Glen Campbell	Entertainer??
Don Cheadle	Actor and noted black guy
Kevin Costner	The Rich Man's Dennis Quaid
Carson Daly	TV Host and D-Bag Extraordinaire, is successful why?
Tom Dreesen	Unknown
Glenn Frey	'Miami Vice' soundtrack contributor
Kenny G	Michael Bolton's formerly conjoined twin
Peter Gallagher	(Dad on 'The O.C.' - check with Toby for plot details)
Danny Gans	Unknown
Andy Garcia	Poor Man's Al Pacino.
Thomas Gibson	Inventor of AIDS
Joe Gransden	Cat rapist
Bob Griese	Collie Molester
Kevin James	Noted sitcom Fat Guy Married to [formerly] Hot Chick
Huey Lewis	F-ing Awesome Musician
Rush Limbaugh	Reactionary, balding blowhard with E.D.
George Lopez	Noted Mexican
Bill Murray	Great actor, only real celeb on this list
Craig T. Nelson	Coach
Chris ODonnell	Dork
Stone Phillips	Android
Ray Romano	Noted fat pathetic schmuck
Darius Rucker	Hootie
Kelly Slater	World Surfing Champion - Not A.C.
Emmitt Smith	Professional Football Player

Young Gunz

Gary Van Sickle at CNNsi has done his part to contribute to the golfing blogosphere by ranking the Top 10 golfers under 30. I actually meet one criteria for this ranking (for three more months), but definitely not the other. To save you valuable reading time, I list the finishers below:

1) Adam Scott - How the Burberry Bandit ranks above Ogilvy, I don't know.
2) Geoff Ogilvy - Win the U.S. Open, come in second.
3) Luke Donald - He's a painter!! One of the paintings below was done by a gorilla. The other one was done by Luke Donald. Guess which is which!

























4) Sergio Garcia - Mrs. Paul Casey
5) Trevor Immelman - Afrikaner
6) Paul Casey - Mrs. Sergio Garcia
7) Aaron Baddeley - Enough with this guy. (See earlier post.)
8) Justin Rose - No opinion yet.
9) Charles Howell III - Call me when you win a major, "talented" guy.
10) Lucas Glover - I thought he was Luke Donald.
11) Ben Curtis - How is this guy not 30?
12) Troy Matteson - ????

Commish's Take:

This list raises a lot of questions. First, are these really the best players under 30? Kind of pathetic. It's difficult to argue with the top-6 on this list, although you may rank them in a different order. But the only list that should include CH III, Ben Curtis, Justin Rose and Aaron Baddeley is a list of the biggest FGA disappointments of the past 4 years. Among those four players, only CH III and Justin Rose were even drafted last year. That means Curtis and Baddeley weren't considered among the top-80 golfers in the world by the FGA at the start of 2006.

Second, so where should these players be drafted this year? Scott, Ogilvy and Garcia are all likely top-10 picks. Immelman probably among the top-40 picks. Casey hates America and doesn't play here enough to be drafted. After that, it's anyone guess. CH III, Curtis, Rose, Baddeley, Lucas Glover and Troy Matteson could go anywhere from the fifth round to undrafted.

Finally, who else should be on this list? Ryan Moore (dominant amateur, nothing yet as a pro), Sean O'Hair (one PGA Tour win, one disappointing sophomore season, one abusive father), Camilo Villegas (two dozen magazine cover photos, no wins), and JB Holmes (porn's best PGA player). All except Holmes were drafted in the FGA last season, but all disappointed last year and may not be worthy of drafting this year.

Less than two months to San Diego and the draft. Have you started your draft board yet? It's never too early...

If Baddeley Winning the FBR is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Righteley

Okay, Aaron Baddeley, (a.k.a., A-Bads, or The Ass-Manian Devil), won the FBR. Fair enough. The guy won the Verizon Heritage last year, so he has established himself as a golfer who is going to win tournaments every year. Last season, the Donkey Raping Sh*t Eaters, FGA's most incongruously named squad, picked up Baddeley in a non-controversial late-round pick. This year, I think his stock has risen. He may be worth an earlier pick, but how early. 3rd round? 4th? Who knows. I think more importantly than establishing Baddeley as a legit grinder, the FBR has solidified a new crew of guys as solid mid-round picks. Let's look at the top 10:

90	1	2		C	Aaron Baddeley	FC	SC	P	S	H	-7	F	-21		65	70	64	64		263
6	2	T5		C	John Rollins	FC	SC	P	S	H	-8	F	-20		65	68	68	63		264
10	3	1		C	Jeff Quinney	FC	SC	P	S	H	-3	F	-19		66	63	68	68		265
20	4	T3		C	Bart Bryant	FC	SC	P	S	H	-5	F	-18		66	66	68	66		266
-	5	T8		C	Billy Mayfair	FC	SC	P	S	H	-6	F	-17		66	66	70	65		267
19	6	T8		C	Heath Slocum	FC	SC	P	S	H	-5	F	-16		67	68	67	66		268
2	7	T20		C	Vijay Singh	FC	SC	P	S	H	-7	F	-15		71	67	67	64		269
87	T8	T16		C	Dean Wilson	FC	SC	P	S	H	-5	F	-14		70	69	65	66		270
23	T8	T8		C	Bubba Watson	FC	SC	P	S	H	-3	F	-14		66	67	69	68		270
21	T8	T8		C	David Toms	FC	SC	P	S	H	-3	F	-14		65	69	68	68		270

Baddeley: He is a relative newcomer. As an Australian, he is a borderline Euro bastard. Correction: He was born in New Hampshire, so BY LAW, he is an American citizen!!! Hooray!! USA USA! But, he lives in Scottsdale, and appears to have positioned himself as a solid grinder and a potential Sergio-like persistent bridesmaid. Definitely worthy of a higher pick this year than the late-round pick that he was for the DRSEs last year. (G'day mates, want Badds to autograph your chest? Want to read paragraph upon boring paragraph about his dog, childhood, personal faith, and preference for MacGregor drivers???!!! Check out his website!)

Rollins: He's been working the tour on a regular basis since 2000. No stranger to being cut, like a lot of early season high finishers, he will work hard and do well until the Masters when the big boys join the fray. I'm not too concerned about picking him for my team. Don't look for any big finishes during the FGA season. If he gets hot, keep an eye on him for a mid-season waiver pickup. He looks like a lot of guys who were linebackers on their high school football teams.

Quinney: A Nationwide grad who is playing great golf right now, if he continues to do so through Match Play, he could be this year's Vaughn Taylor--a solid late-round grinder pickup.

Bryant: Saddam is not worth picking up. He spends more time in the sand than the real Saddam. If the hole were the spider hole they found Saddam in, he might warrant a late round pickup, but this guy is otherwise the quintessential also ran. Not worth a blink.










Mayfair: Worth his weight in funnel cakes if funnel cakes were inconsistent pieces of garbage.

Slocum: Who? Based on my cursory evaluation of his past performance, he's good for 2 top ten finishes a year and a shitload of cuts. But like a lot of this year's FBR top-10, he's playing well right now. Not certain whether it will continue into the meat of the season.

Vijay: Has played with Vijay-like consistency this year so far. Certainly a top 3 pick again this year.

Wilson: He made his first PGA appearance in 1995, and appeared intermittently on Tour until 2003. Since then, he has been struggling to maintain his Tour card. He's done so, but barely. Not worth consideration. His winnings this week went to pay his AmEx bill.

Watson: NOTABLE: This guy could potentially be a mid-round grinder pick this year. He has always been a big hitter, and his short game has come on strong this year. When he wasn't busy being cut, he had a lot of top-25 finishes last year, and he could officially arrive on the scene this year. Keep an eye out for Bubba in '07.

Toms: Last year was the best one he'd had in quite some time. He's worth at least 5 top-1o finishes a year lately. He wears ringer T-shirts according to his profiles, and he might be on his way to a great year. Worth a mid-round pick.

And in case you want to know why the Bears lost:














Interesting that uBid.com chose not to spring for a clip to hold this prego broad's shirt behind her back, so she has to awkwardly hold it herself with her right hand. Interesting and HOT!!!!

Swedish Chef Wins Dubai

Henrik Stenson (left) held off Ernie Els and Tiger Woods (who despite the loss is still on a winning streak somehow) to win the Dubai Desert Classic. I know what you're asking--"Who cares? It's the European Tour." I know, and I agree. The question is: Henrik Stenson's new wife, Norse goddess "Iðunn." Hot or not?

Here she is from the Ryder Cup.














Here she is again.
















And here she is making out with Henrik after his win.












You may also wonder how Stenson's wife, Norse goddess Idunn, is related to Tiger Woods's wife, the Norse goddess Freyja. Well, to quote Wikipedia:

Iðunn was, in Norse mythology, one of the goddesses. According to the Prose Edda she was the custodian of apples which allowed the Æsir to maintain their eternal youthfulness. She was the wife of Bragi, god of poetry.

As related in Haustlöng Iðunn was at one time abducted with her apples by the giant Þjazi, who used Loki as a stooge to lure Iðunn out of Ásgarðr. During her absence, the Æsir began to age without the rejuvenating qualities of her apples, prompting them to press Loki into the task of rescuing her. Borrowing Freyja's falcon skin, he retrieved Iðunn from Þrymheimr, transforming her into the form of a nut for the flight back. Þjazi, displeased, pursued them in the form of an eagle, but was defeated by having his wings set alight by a bonfire created by the Æsir.

There, got it? Aesir needed Henrik Stenson's wife's apples to stop his aging, so he borrowed Tiger Woods's wife's falcon skin to go find her, turned her into a nut and brought her back. End of story.

I can only conclude that elite golfers are marrying Norse goddesses in an attempt to breed a super species that possess incredible golfing skills, uncanny good looks, and the magical power bestowed upon them by Loki and the rest of that wacky gang from Valhalla. As if their lives weren't good enough, they have to separate themselves from the realms of the mortal. Great.