More Like the PBR Open...

The FBR Open at the TPC in Scottsdale, Arizona tees off tomorrow. This event has the reputation as the biggest party scene on the PGA Tour. In particular, the 16th Hole, which was specially built to accomodate thousands of onlookers, has become known as the rowdiest, loudest hole in golf. The fans go particularly nuts for Arizona State alums, including Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson. It was also on the 16th Hole in 2002 where a fan yelled, "Noonan!" to The Wop Genius, Chris DiMarco, as he prepared to putt. DiMarco waited until the fan was ejected before putting. He won the tournament.

For a good breakdown of the scene on the 16th, including some sweet pictures of the party scene at the FBR Open in general, go here and here. Selected pics below...[2008 FGA Draft in Scottsdale?? Pre-Match Play??]

Profiles in "It Doesn't Suck to Be That Guy": Charles Howell III

Is this his big year?

Charles Howell III, christened "Chucky Three Sticks" by Scott Van Pelt of the World Wide Leader, is sitting quietly alone on top of the FedEx Cup standings after three events. He has avoided the spotlight surrounding Tiger and the flashbulbs flickering around Brandt Snedeker and Andrew Buckle, but if he keeps this up, 2007 may prove to be the breakout year for him that 2006 was for Geoff Ogilvy--that is, he might drop some Rohypnol in the U.S. Open's Stoli & cranberry, whisper something in its ear about how its hair smells nice, and then date-rape it in the back of his dad's Tahoe once the U.S. Open's boyfriend, Phil Mickelson, leaves her behind to head to Silver City with an 8-ball.

Howell has an immaculate golfing pedigree: he was was born in Augusta, Georgia, attended an elite private school there where he led the golf team, and, like most of us, he has been a life long member at the eponymous golf club located in his hometown. I can only conclude he is the son of Lovey and Thurston Howell.

A self proclaimed geek in high school, he joked his girlfriend was "Big Bertha" and he has another one-his putter. Funny unless he was really admitting he F-ed his golf clubs somehow. Sicko.

He attended Oklahoma State University (which is no Yale, but has a pretty damn good golf team). There, he was a member of the 2000 NCAA golf national champion team, and won the individual championships with a 23-under performance. (Thanks Wikipedia!)

In 2001, he was the PGA Tour Rookie of the Year, and won the Michelob Ultra Open in 2002. He has played on the President's Cup Team (that's U.S. vs. The World, winner take all, no holds barred).

Adding him to your draft list yet? Consider...

Sony Open - Tied for 2nd Place (with Luke Donald one stroke behind blockhead Paul Goydos)

Bob Hope - Tied for 65th Place (can't win 'em all, and he made the cut)

Buick Invitational - 2nd Place (two strokes behind White Bread Toast with Cocoa Butter)

Two second place finishes in three tournaments is impressive no matter how you cut it. It remains to be seen whether he can keep this up, but if he continues to finish strong through Match Play, should he go as high as fourth or fifth? If not, is he at least a 1st Rounder?

Buick Results

The 1982 Buick Regal. Official Buick of the Buick Invitational.

Tiger's streak continues! (Get's used to reading that). The Newborn Kitten held up well, but couldn't maintain his blistering pace. Buckle buckled, (puns much?), and Chas. Howell III quitely sneaked up to second place. Let's look at the top of the leaderboard.

1	T4		Tiger Woods	-15	F	-6	66	72	69	66	273
	2	T4		Charles Howell III	-13	F	-4	70	64	73	68	275
	3	T1		Brandt Snedeker	-12	F	-1	61	70	74	71	276
	T4	T20		Bubba Watson	-11	F	-5	67	74	69	67	277
	T4	T8		Mark Calcavecchia	-11	F	-3	66	74	68	69	277
	T4	T1		Andrew Buckle	-11	F	E	66	71	68	72	277
	T7	T15		Bart Bryant	-10	F	-3	66	73	70	69	278
	T7	T8		Jeff Quinney	-10	F	-2	64	74	70	70	278
	T9	T26		Ian Poulter	-9	F	-4	72	68	71	68	279
	T9	T8		Nick Watney	-9	F	-1	69	69	70	71	279
	T9	T26		Robert Allenby	-9	F	-4	70	70	71	68	279
	T9	T8		Charlie Wi

Notables include Mark Calcavecchia, who's a common sight on early-season leaderboards, but over the season, his necrotic, sclerotic, putrified cirrhosis-ridden body erodes until he is sent to Haiti and buried alive in zombie-like state to slowly recharge during the off-season. He's then resurrected using nine-volt batteries and Tabasco sauce to fire off two top-ten finishes in the early weeks of the next season and sink back to washed-upness.

Bubba Watson is looking like he will emerge into a full fledged journeyman. Might be a good option as a grinder.

Ian Poulter's muppet/head cover is a good Euro pick as always.

Bart Bryant (below) looked sharp, and he's gotta be good out of the sand...

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Well, he's hanging in there. Newborn kitten Brandt Snedeker still has a share of the lead in the Buick Invitational. We'll see if he can hang in there, (with Tiger stalking him like a limping gazelle my money still says he'll choke), but if he does, he will lose his newly earned moniker of The New D.A. Points.

In Qatar, Maverick's RIO won in a thrilling finish--he birdied and eagled the last two holes to win by a stroke over Nick O'Hern. Keep an eye on Goosen as a solid Euro addition to your team's lineup this year. Appleby, Els, and McDowell also did well.

This is more football than golf, but here's a great candid of Erin Andrews. Notice the camera guy scoping her (understandably).

MWPOW & Whatnot

First, here's the Michelle Wie Picture of the Week.

Brandt Snedeker, current leader of the Buick Invitational, and the new D.A. Points, is a 26-year-old rookie who played his college golf at Vanderbilt. That's cool, but not as cool as playing at UNLV with Chad Campbell.

Next, here's a preview of the South Course at Torrey Pines for those looking forward to the FGA Real Golf Tournament this March. Torrey Pines will host the 2008 U.S. Open.

Retief Goosen is leading the Qatar Open, as the Euros continue trotting around the Middle East in a style true to their colonial/imperial forebears. The winner of last week's sand romp in Abu Dhabi, the always inconsistent Paul Casey, fired a 72.

Interesting equipment news, the latest drivers are being made in square and triangle shapes. This way, they'll match Paul Goydos's head (left).


Bob Harig thinks that Tiger's impending family will not affect his golf game. No word yet on whether it will affect the birth canal of Tiger's wife, Norse war goddess, Freyja.

Who's Got Brandt Snedeker?

Unknown Brandt Snedeker (left) leads the Buick Invitational after firing of a record-tying 61 on the Torrey Pines North Course today. Tiger shot a 66. Without a doubt, Snedeker will collapse tomorrow or sooner. Don't forget, this is a guy who missed a month of play on the Nationwide Tour last year after tripping on a tree root during play and breaking his collar bone. What's the over/under on one of the FGA players doing the same when we brutalize the more difficult Torrey Pines South Course in two months???

Snedeker said this about is oddly-spelled name:

"I've had it butchered so many times that it's no big deal," he said. "I've gotten 'Snotlicker' before, so I don't think it could get any worse than that."

Brandt, it can get worse than "Snotlicker." In fact, I hereby christen you "This Season's D.A. Points."

Ripe for Breeding

For the first time, it may not be good to have the first FGA draft pick. Tiger Woods has said if his wife, the Norse goddess Freyja, gives birth around the time of the Open Championship, he will skip the event. Given how few tournaments he plays already, including this week's Buick Invitational, which occurs outside the FGA season, it may become questionable whether Tiger is the best first pick in the FGA.

So, the question is: Do you take Tiger, who might win three majors, but might only play in four other events, or do you take Vijay or someone else? If so, who?

Beauty and the Washed Up Hack

Video: She Says, Z Says*

In what is unquestionably the best recurring video segment on any sports website, "She Says, Z Says" features 19-year-old swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker talking sports (natch) with Paul Zimmerman, a fossilized Sports Illustrated writer, apparently as part of Dr. Z's treatment for E.D.

I don't know if you all have seen any of these, but I can't recommend them highly enough. Brooklyn, (or 'Sweets' as I call her), usually spouts some H.S.O. along the lines of "I think the Colts will win the Super Bowl." Then, Dr. Z then tries not to blow his load while he responds. He usually agrees with her. No surprise there. (Did I mention she was born in 1987?) This part takes about five seconds.

Then, for the next four minutes they show video clips of the making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

This week's episode prominently features some borderline NSFW footage of the lovely Marisa "Are You F-ing Kidding Me?" Miller, best known as the official logo/mascot of storied FGAFFL franchise, Three Nut Minimum.















If you have the time and bandwidth, you will really be missing something if you don't peruse this blatant excuse to sell magazines under the guise of "sports" talk.

Not golf-related, but...

Best. NBA cheerleader costumes. Ever.

Whoever thought of dressing the dance squad to look to each guy in the crowd as though each of them just sheepishly wandered out of his closet on Sunday morning, dressed in his old work shirt and gym socks, ready for eggs and another go 'round, needs to be promoted to Evil Genius. Brilliant.

Also, look closely at the nether-region of the dark-haired lass in the middle, and you'll notice she's sans undergarments, and other naturally occuring phenomena common to the region.

Yes, this came from CNNsi, and yes, it's been since removed from the site. (At least I can't find it).

Clutch Cargo

Golf Online recently ranked the Top 17 most "clutch" golfers. To spare you the time of scrolling through their boilerplate and ads, I'll summarize:





(G.I. Joe's "Clutch" was himself quite clutch, ed.)

17) Justin Leonard - "The Man With Two First Names"
15-T) Fred Funk - "I Got Nothin'"
15-T) Geoff Ogilvy - "BAMF"
14) Retief Goosen - "Was He Maverick's RIO?"
13) K.J. Choi - "Not to D.A. Points or Chan Ho Park, but Possibly a Genetic Combination of the Two..."
11-T) Stewart Cink - "The Rice Cake of Pro Golfers"
11-T) Padraig Harrington - "Joey's Infinitely More Clutch Cousin"
10) Sergio Garcia - "Mrs. Paul Casey"
9) Chad Campbell - "The Moonfaced Kid"





8) Bart Bryant - "Saddam Hussein"









6-T) Adam Scott - "The Burberry Boy"
6-T) Ernie Els - "APARTHEID FOREVER!"
5) Jim Furyk - "Easy With the Listerine"
4) Stuart Appleby - "..."
3) Phil Mickelson - "F.I.G.J.A.M."
2) Vijay Singh - "Dot Not Feather"
1) Tiger Woods - "White Bread Toast With Cocoa Butter"

The rankings were based on some loose categories involving come from behind wins, and wins while leading late. Points were deducted for blowing leads. Keep these guys in mind as the draft approaches.

Also note that CNNsi is reporting that Aaron Oberholser may have a bulging disk in his back and will undergo surgery. He is expected to miss 4-6 weeks, which might take him out of Accenture Match Play as well. Rampant rumor-mongering on my part suggests it could affect his swing all season, but then again, I'm no DOCTORB. ("The 'B' is for bargain!").

Where's the beer chick?

This photo of two of the women who will be caddying the FGA Real Golf Tournament '07, courtesy of www.golfpunkonline.com, which is worth checking out if you have the time. It's a British magazine that is basically Golf/Maxim/FHM, so it's a pretty good combo.

Potentially Undervalued Selections Serving In European States (P.U.S.S.I.E.S)

Paul Casey, (sitting on a Hummer, left), won the Abu Dhabi Golf Championship this week. After, he went scooting around the desert with Sergio Garcia in a Hummer, which sounds a little suspect to me, but is apparently cool...(can I get a ruling?) Those looking for a solid Eurotrash bastard to add to their early season lineup might consider Casey, who was hot last year, winning the Volvo China Open, the Johnny Walker Championship and the HSBC World Match Play Championship on the European Tour.

Of course, as you might remember, Casey was then was picked up by the Mitch Cumsteins as the perfect under-the-radar dark horse Euro that would win the Cumsteins the British Open. Casey proceeded to finish dead last among players who made the cut. So, be careful with the Euros, my friends. You never know when their slovenly, socialistic work ethic will come back to haunt you. Those looking for a more reliable pick than Casey might consider Ian Poulter's head cover/muppet.

T-Bone

Tim Tebow is a motorboatin' sonofabitch, and those are definitely built for comfort...

In golf, Charley Hoffman wins the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic. It's amazing he found the time to keep on top of his game considering he was so busy writing the screenplay for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. His -17 (343) final score was high for the Bob Hope, but severe winds in California's Coachella Valley boosted final round scores to a "Doug's Bachelor Party on Sunday"-esque average of 74.763...(don't forget, I'm a 30 handicap).

Hoffman played on UNLV's golf team along with Chris Riley and Chad Campbell. Playing college golf in Las Vegas?! You've got to be kidding me. Between the clean desert air, and the wide open spaces, (not to mention the bustling economy), I don't think I would have survived. Add playing golf for UNLV to my list of Things It Wouldn't Suck to Do along with "two chicks at the same time."

This week, the Tour heads to sunny San Diego, home of the FGA Draft 2007, for the Buick Invitational. See you there in T- nine weeks and counting.

Would you?

Question of the day: Would you trade your height and your golf game (handicap in the high teens/low 20's?) for Tadd Fujikawa's height (5'1'') and his PGA Tour level golf game for the rest of your life?

Let's Get Off Michelle Wie, I Just Did

Is Tadd Fujikawa the next Michelle Wie? Gary Van Sickle thinks so. You be the judge. Let me be the first to predict a season-long Fujikawa fellatio-fest/Wie hate-on. No matter how great people think that Weeble is, he's not the next Michelle Wie. Why? Well, because no one has ever checked Wikipedia to see if Tadd Fujikawa is "legal," that's why.

On an alliterative note, a wacky morning "Zoo Crew" held a stunt called "Hold Your Wee for a Wii." Contestants had to drink water and hold their pee the longest to win the Nintendo Wii. The second place contestant died of water intoxication after the contest. Creepy audio of a listener calling into the show during the stunt and warning the zany DJs that the people could die. Their response? "We know. We had 'em sign a waiver, so we're okay." MAN IN THE BOX, GET BACK IN THAT BOX!!

What did we learn today? Wee + Wii + Wie = Tadd Fujikawa is not human, but is a Playskool doll.

Michelle Wie Picture of the Week

I'll let the website where I found this photo do the talking:

Eindelijk heeft Michelle Wie haar eerste overwinning van dit seizoen geboekt: ze is toegelaten tot de prestigieuze Universiteit van Stanford. Dit geeft haar trouwens ook een kans om niet alleen in de voetsporen van Tiger Woods te treden maar zelfs om hem te verbeteren: Tiger ging ook naar Stanford, maar hield het maar twee jaar vol, waarna hij pro werd.

Enough said.

FGA Draft 2007 - Dawn of a New American Century

You heard it here last: the FGA Draft will take place at the bar of the Hotel Del on Coronado Island in classy, San Diego, California the weekend of March 31-April 1. San Diego, (which is German for "Whale's Vagina"), is not to be confused with Santiago, Chile, home of the Estadio Olympico. Book your flights now and reserve a spot at the 1st Annual Fantasy Golf Association Real Golf Tournament, to be held on the South Course at Torrey Pines. In case there was ever any doubt, it is now official: THIS LEAGUE F-ING ROCKS!

As if you needed any more incentive to attend, it was recently announced that Alyssa Milano, star of such masturbatory interludes as "last night in my apartment" will be acting as a celebrity caddy at the tournament. Alyssa is famous for her role as the official mascot of the Santa Monica Milano Hairbrush of the FGAFFL. The Hairbrush (or just The 'Brush) is one of those teams like the Utah Jazz or the Stanford Cardinal: although composed of more than one person, the team has a singular name. This is confusing, because I never know whether to say The Milano Hairbrush "is" an over-rated, lucky, shitpot of a team, or The Milano Hairbrush "are" an over-rated, lucky, shitpot of a team.

See you f-ers in San Diego, or "The Sandy" as its called.

Game, Set, Match Play

As we all now know, the FGA 2007 season will soon be upon us. The Accenture Match Play Championship will take place from February 21-25 in a new location – The Gallery Golf Club at Dove Mountain, South Course in Tucson, Arizona - presumably because its old location, Sleepy Hollow Country Club in Dallas, has been razed to make way for mixed-income public housing and a Denny's. The tournament will again determine the FGA draft order. We can only hope that Retief Goosen doesn't choke again this year, or I will have to snuff the life out of him. The bracket has not yet been announced, but I'm already picking D.J. Trahan (left). Seriously, does it get more All American than this guy? To quote Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

I'm gonna rise up/ I'm gonna kick a little ass/ I'm gonna kick some ass in the U.S.A./ I'm gonna climb a mountain/ I'm gonna sew a flag/ I'm gonna fly on an eagle/ I'm gonna kick some butt/ I'm gonna drive big trucks/ I'm gonna rule this world/ I'm gonna kick some ass/ I'm gonna rise up/ Gonna kick a little ass/ Rock on flyin' eagle!