You Know Your Tournament Sucks If...

• ...Vance Veazey withdraws because he doesn't want to miss a re-run of The Shawshank Redemption scheduled for Friday on TBS.
• ...Jaco Van Zyl is skipping your tournament to attend an NBA Developmental League game.
• ...John Daly is not playing, and it's held in friggin' New Orleans, Louisiana!
• ...D.A. Points is electing not to attend because "he has better things to do."
• ...S.S.P. Chowrasia would "rather eat sacred, holy beef" than attend your tournament.
• ...Arjun Atwal wouldn't attend even if he was sixty miles away in a BMW M5 and thirty minutes late for his tee time.
• ...Calcavacchia is playing, but plans on being drunk on Yukon Jack the hole time and promises to use his driver on every shot.
• ...Tim Herron is skipping the event despite the complimentary mashed potato martini bar.
• ...Chris Couch is your defending champion.
• ...your trophy is a comic strip caveman.
• ...it is held opposite the 84 Lumber Classic.
• ...Fred Couples had a ninja hit his back with nun-chuks "just to make sure" it was in too bad a shape to play.
• ...Chris DiMarco withdraws despite a guarantee that he'll finish second.
• ...Camilo Villegas isn't playing despite your offer of all the hookers and blow he could handle.
• ...Paul Azinger said he'd rather get cancer again than play in it.
• ...Brian Gay thinks your tournament is kind of gay.
• ...Shingo Katayama is skipping the event even though you said you'd find a Japanese schoolgirl to kick him in the nuts and vomit on him every night.
• ...The Golf Channel decides to cover that week's Nationwide event instead.