Count, Pointercount: Tim "You Ate My Schnitzel" Herron

Each week, the Commish and me, Mitch Cumstein, will debate the pros and cons of various PGA and Eurotrash golfers. First up, the inimitable, the insatiable, the oh-so-fallible, Tim "Lumpy" Herron (a.k.a., He of Infinite Girth). The Commish's Take:

That fat-faced sack of crap shouldn't be among the top-56 players chosen (i.e., he's an eighth rounder at best). Sure he won Colonial last year, but he's annually near the bottom of the PGA Tour in driving accuracy, greens in regulation, and putting. These poor stats lead to Lumpy being a very streaky, very inconsistent player. But you can use stats to prove anything. Let's look at the facts. Lumpy is a fat man. What do fat men hate the most? Warm temperatures. When is the FGA season played? Summer. Do I have to connect the dots for you? Lumpy wears down as the summer drags on. During a six week stretch last season in the heart of summer (June 1-July 30), Lumpy played six times finishing no better than 63rd and missing three cuts. Is that the type of player you want on your team when the FGA season is just starting to heat up? If Lumpy has an afternoon tee time on a hot day, he'll collapse faster a John Daly marriage. Speaking as a team owner that drafted, then traded, Lumpy it always seems that he hurts your team whenever you start him, and when you don't start him you'll wish you had. Ask Justin if Lumpy was in his starting lineup when he won Colonial last year. One more reason not to select Lumpy... because when he's on your team, you have to look at his ugly picture on the leaderboard and it makes you want to kill yourself.

OUCH! My Response:

Okay, this is where I'm supposed to take the opposite view and counter the Commish's take on the player in question. The problem is, I agree with most of what he said. However, there are positives to He of Infinite Girth. First, he's clubhouse chemo--he can counteract a clubhouse cancer, and generally raises the morale of the whole squad, although in large doses (and there is no other kind when it comes to Lumpy) he can cause your hair to fall out.

The Commish is right that in a Rotisserie League, Lumpy would be an unmitigated disaster as his stats are terrible. But in a Rotisserie Chicken-Eating League, Lumpy would surely come out on top, and isn't that worth something? Let's look at some real stats:

# of eggs in Lumpy's morning omlette, or as he calls its, his "Bomblette": 7

# of chimichangas Lumpy once ate at one sitting after the Thursday round of the 2006 Shell Houston Open: 6.75 (His closest competitor Miguel Angel Jimineth ate 2. Billy Mayfair ate 1.5 chimis, then switched to uncooked fajita meat).

# of times Lumpy's wife has feared that she would break her pelvis while getting "Lumped": 18

Percentage of cholesterol blockage in Lumpy's right ventricle: 72

So, as you can see, Lumpy actually leads in many major statistical categories. Sure he's fat, streaky, sweaty, smelly, inconsistent, prone to choking (literally and figuratively), but at the end of it all, I know when the Mitch Cumsteins take the field at Augusta, I'll be checking for lumps!